The First Prophecy Fulfilled. 1

The man-eating Sphinx, the First Incarnation of Sharon Stone. 2

 

The First Prophecy Fulfilled

 Sure enough, soon his chariot is nearly blindsided at The Three Ways cross-roads by this other chariot! And the old dude in the other chariot bulged his eyes out and screamed something really rude like, “Move over, you moron!” – In ancient Greece there were no traffic lights, no police, and no anger management classes, so the two white males got into this really intense road rage. Instead of being a polite gentleman, Oedipus commences to kill everyone present, showing off his mastery of ninjutzu, or maybe kendo or whatever bad-ass martial arts they practiced in those days to kill people in style, with proper technique and appropriate hacking sounds. Little did he know that the loud-mouthed old dude whom he had just mercilessly hacked to pieces, was his father, whom he would now never get to know.

Apparently, Oedipus tries his hardest to be a good man and avoid crime: by fleeing his “parents” he wants to save them. Apparently, he has a temper problem, for which he will pay, but he does not know it yet. On the other hand, who wouldn’t have a short fuse, carrying on their shoulders the heavy burden of his oracle, which denies him sleep?

Back in Thebes, Jocaste got the “bad news.” Personally, she didn’t give a damn: the old bastard got what he deserved! But, frankly, his death was wreaking havoc on her finances.  There was no Probate Court in those days to expropriate the king’s estate once and for all, for her benefit, and for the benefit of a bunch of probate lawyers who’d work hard to line up their pockets with the dead King’s gold. But in those dark ages people were so barbaric that they would just hack lawyers to pieces, instead of arguing their case in a court of law. The Old Sheppard, Jocate’s trusted servant who allegedly left her baby on the mountain top to die and is the only surviving witness of her husband’s murder is inexplicably sent to live in a remote, desolate location, where he can talk to no one.

The man-eating Sphinx, the First Incarnation of Sharon Stone

As if her diminishing net-worth wasn’t bad enough for queen Jocaste, this murderous Sphinx now moved into the Kingdom, devouring travelers to and from Thebes. According to the folktales, she was a bastardly daughter of Laius. Not only did she interfere with interstate commerce, but her appetite grew bigger and bigger and she began devouring the youth of the kingdom. As there were no federal marshals in those days, Creon, Jocaste’s brother and regent of the land, advertized in the national newspaper’s “help wanted” section for a befitting hero: whoever would rid the kingdom of the Sphinx, will marry Jocaste and become king, in that order. Creon was painfully aware that Jocaste grew rather bitchy and abusive, being bored to tears with her lesbian girlfriends, and it would also take a real hero to deal with her PMS tantrums. Oedipus, now the wandering adventurer, reads the ad and makes a beeline for Sharon Stone PictureThebes.

The Sphinx had been hanging out there, enjoying herself by eating travelers. When we say “eating” – the pleasure was all hers, although she maintained that the young men were content to die in her deadly embrace: she was this self-described “sexy” creature – a winged lioness with a face and tits of Sharon Stone, when she was still young enough to act in “Basic Instinct.” The lads didn’t feel so bad being ripped apart by a pussy-cat, she argued. “The more famous and powerful I get, the more power I have to hurt men,” gloated Sharon Stone at a public interview in one of her subsequent incarnations, some 3,000 years later.  She liked to play with her food before devouring it.

Having arrived in Thebes, Oedipus went straight to her. Sphinx was working on her public image, which was feminine mystique. She wanted men to keep pondering as to what women want. Unlike family court judges nowadays, the Sphinx wasn’t altogether unfair; she gave the lads an opportunity to avoid being eaten alive: if they solved her really difficult riddle, they would live. Okay, the riddle wasn’t all that difficult, but the Public School System in ancient Greece made an average Greek only marginally better-educated than today’s Americans. In other words, they were unable to think for themselves, and logic wasn’t their forte, although they invented it and were still years ahead of Americans. All of which secured plenty of delicious human flesh for the ferocious Sphinx. It was only folks like Oedipus with his home schooling of a Corinthian prince, who stood a chance to survive the Sphinx (or an entrance examination into a European college, for that matter.)  Here’s the Sphinx’s riddle:

What animal walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, then three in the evening, and is strongest when it has the fewest legs?”


Without skipping a bit, our home-schooled young intellectual said, “Man.”

The answer was correct: a baby, who crawls on all four in the early morning of the man’s life; then young adult, then – an old man with a cane.

So the Sphinx gets really upset and commits a suicide: she flies away into the blue yonder, then folds her wings and drops into the sea like a stone (not Sharon Stone.) We suggest that Sharon Stone, much aged since her 1992 movie, should take a cue from the Sphinx and jump in the lake.  

Sophocles kept all the elements of the original myth in his play.  Oedipus  does not go on a physical rampage against the Sphinx like Hercules would. He is a man of intelligence, who sees the consequences of his actions, who strives to be a good king, and is courageous enough to investigate what turn out to be his own crimes, in which he is being played like a pawn. His victory over the Sphinx is a proof. A fragment from Euripides' lost play Oedipus (later than Sophocles'), sums it up:

“The mind is what one must consider, the mind. What is the use of physical beauty, when one does not have beauty in the mind?”

Anyway, Oedipus is a hero, who used his main muscle – his brain, to defeat the evil Sphinx; and now he wins his prize, his bride. He does not know it yet, but he is facing a second riddle, which proves much harder to crack: now the new sphinx is his mother who outsmarted his father and even herself, along with the rest of the world.  In the competition of the two minds, it is no contest, and Oedipus is utterly clueless that the prophecy is unfolding. 

His lascivious, still curvaceous bride was happy to bed a young hunk half her age, and everyone in Thebes also loved Oedipus in their own way; the folks celebrated their new king, the man who knows feet. Did I tell you that there are many kinds of love in Greece, and each has its own word describing it?  In English it’s just one – the economy of words, magnified by the whims of translations, and causing much strife and confusion.

Jocaste was maybe in her mid 30's now and Oedipus was about 18 years younger, but hey, she was but one name on a long list of celebrities, marrying boys half their own age or younger, boys to whom some of the brides could have been their grandmothers.

The list is really far too long to fit into our brief story, so we will just name a few: Katie Couric, the darling of CBS news, frolicking with Brooks Perlin, a prep-school son of a billionaire investor Sanford Perlin; Mary Tylor Moore, marrying S. Robert Levine, who could have been her grandson; Dinah Shore – Burt Reynolds; Elizabeth Taylor – Larry Fortensky; Barbara Hershey – Naveen Andrews; Lillian Vernon – Paolo Martino; Carol Burnett – Brian Miller; Ivana Trump – Rossano Rubicon; Joan Collins – Robin Hurlstone; Gina Lollobrigida – Javier Rigau y Rafols, Demi Moore – Ashton Kutcher; Brigitte Nielsen – Mattia Dessi; Tina Turner – Erwin Bach, etc., etc.[1] But, I digress.

These wealthy old hags beatified their saggy, multifold midsections by industrial strength liposuctions, and tightened up their buttocks and other cheeks by pounds of Botox injections.  That done, they could have it now both ways: well, what we mean is they could continue talking up a storm in the media about sexual exploitation of women, but could also save a bundle on replacing batteries in their dildos:  The young lads were like Energizer bunnies in their wives’ experienced motherly hands. 

 


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